Career Woman Promoted Mommy

Providing information for mommies with full time careers and no extra time.

Expectations

I have been struggling the last few weeks with my purpose. I have no reasons to be unhappy, my life is actually settling down and becoming more stable than it has been in years.  I think it all boils down to the expectations I have for myself. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I am ch0osing to focus on the strengths and understand the weaknesses to become the best version of myself.

The main reason I am writing today is because I saw something online today (link below) that gave me great insight and I wanted to share it. I often talk to friends about “expectations” in relationships, and being a numbers and equation person, this article made a lot of sense. In marriage, dating or friendships we need to look at this: Expectation – Observation = Frustration

Bottom line- Let your observations take precedence over the expectations. Go with the flow. Healthy, realistic expectations that are well communicated are ok. But we all know that we don’t communicate most expectations and that they are often unrealistic and no one can meet them, especially not “our way” or how we have it met in our minds which makes us frustrated.

I pray today this helps someone with frustration they are feeling with someone, as it has helped me ❤️

 

The Silent Marriage Killer That’s More Deadly Than Sex & Money.

Why?

Why? That’s a big question for only 3 letters. Why do we do the things we do? And why are we misunderstood for what we do and when we do it?

When we know our why, we are driven to do so much more than we ever thought possible. Lately, I have been feeling back to my “normal” settings and with that comes excess energy. I have been using that energy to declutter my home and sell excess clothing which I have been styling of course, as well as making some crafty creations (check out my link here and like my new page ( https://www.facebook.com/Carlawheeeler/ ) and last but not least my successful skincare company.

All of these extras are in addition to my normal day to day routines of being a wife, mom, and working career woman; all of which I enjoy! The crafting satisfies my need to be artistic and work with my hands, the skincare allows me to help people, and the decluttering- well that is just good all around for my well being. Clutter just clouds my mind, I don’t like a big mess (someone needs to tell Amelia that, LOL)! The clothing and styling is a lot of fun and is something I have always enjoyed doing secretly, I have been told I have the best closet out there by a great stylist, check her out here.

I am told so many times, how do you find the energy to do all of the things you do. Where do you get the time. How do you do it? And why do you do it? Isn’t it exhausting? Well honestly- some of my “fun” things are my break from reality. I also like to be outside which I try to throw in the mix everyday as well. But I am just like ever other person out there- 24 hours in my day, no extra time and I do have to sleep.

We all make time for what we need to do, and right now this is what I need to do, for my family, for me, and for my sanity. I don’t expect everyone to understand, I don’t expect everyone to “get it” and I definitely don’t expect anyone to change or try to do more if they are happy doing what they are doing.

Please don’t hate on me or misunderstand me. Instead try to support me when you see my posts, or ask for likes on my page. I am not trying to annoy you. I am just doing what I love and supporting my family and my talents. When you are truly passionate about what you are doing, you have superpowers, don’t you want to find yours?

Until next time,

Carla

 

Becoming a Rockstar; Strengths vs. Weaknesses

Here is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately… Why do I focus on my weaknesses instead of my strengths? I have recently discovered my strengths and it has been very informative. Some of the things that I thought I was strongest at didn’t even make my top 5.

As humans, we are conditioned daily to see the negativity in the world (look at the evening news), focus on the things we didn’t get done (do items on your to do list remain unchecked for days or weeks at a time), regret the time we waste (should’ve, could’ve and would’ve), and rush, rush, rush only to hurry up and wait (doctors’ appointments are the worse). I beat myself up almost daily for wasting my time on some meaningless task or worry that adds no value to my day or my life on a bigger scale. I regret eating this or that, thinking that everything that touches my lips is going to add up to another pound on the scale. I worry that I am not measuring up to the standard I hold myself to as a wife, mother, engineer…

I have taken the past few months to really examine myself under a microscope. Why am I this way? Why do I constantly look at my faults?  I am not a victim of my circumstances. Just as they (who is they anyway) say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger… well I am still here, so I know the good Lord has a plan for me, and I believe he is just getting started.

I have been rocked to my core foundation with all the curve balls life has thrown me, and I still look at my life and say I have had it pretty easy. That’s the optimist in me. There are others out there that have experienced far worse. However, I do believe it is all about how we use our experiences in this life. I have always wanted and tried to use mine to help others. If I can help prevent someone from going through some of the heartache that I have dealt with in my life, then it is worth it for me to bare my soul and become vulnerable.

So back to focusing on weaknesses… I tend to ramble sometimes. If you want to be a RockStar (yes this is my FIA name) in this winner-take-all-world we live in, then you should be focusing on your strengths and not your weaknesses.

When we set out to improve ourselves we typically look at our faults first. For example, here’s Bridget Jones’ list:

“Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket. Equally important, will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional wits or perverts.”

Do you think any of these things will help Bridget Jones become the RockStar that she wants to be in her life? Her mindset is all wrong. Her weaknesses are shining through. She is uncomfortable with her appearance, can’t remember to to do her laundry, and attracts all the wrong types of men. As she has shown us in her hilarious movies, her life is a mess. We can all sympathize though, because all of us can see an aspect ourselves in her. As she tries time and time again to improve her faults, that alone will not lead her to success.

If we focus on our top 5 strengths and hone to excellence, we will definitely have a bigger impact on the world as the RockStar God designed us to become. Everyone is judged, and if we are constantly pointing out our flaws- everyone around us will be conditioned to see them too. If we have 3 bad traits, 5 mediocre ones, and 3 that we are constantly complimented on, why do we focus on the 3 bad ones first? Of course this is how New Year’s resolutions are made- to help us identify and improve our flaws and weaknesses.

I want to share with you what I have learned. I took the Gallup Strength Finders Assessment (find the link on my Favorite Things page) to get my top 34 strengths. Here are my top 6 Strengths. Why 6 instead of 5, well Woo is one of my favorites, so I had to list it too.

  1. Individualization- People who are especially talented in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.
  2. Strategic- People who are especially talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.
  3. Restorative- People who are especially talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.
  4. Achiever- People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.
  5. Activator- People who are especially talented in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.
  6. Woo- People who are especially talented in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.

So what did this teach me about myself? The aspects about myself that I love most show up here. I enjoy working with a variety of people and understanding their strengths to most benefit the team. I am very strategic in my thinking. I like to lay out all the scenarios and evaluate them.  I enjoy solving problems, in fact I will create a problem to solve if one is not available. I work very hard at everything I do and feel like I have wasted time when I am not productive or busy. I can be impatient because I want to get going and take action. And last but not least, I absolutely love meeting new people and winning them over. I meet new people everywhere I go.

Now let me tell you what the Assessment told me about my weaknesses:

  1. Harmony- People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.
  2. Input- People who are especially talented in the Input theme have a craving to know more. Often they like to collect and archive all kinds of information.
  3. Intellection- People who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.
  4. Ideation- People who are especially talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.
  5. Adaptability- People who are especially talented in the Adaptability theme prefer to “go with the flow.” They tend to be “now” people who take things as they come and discover the future one day at a time.

The truth is evident to me; I will never get great at these 5 things. Why you ask, well… I will never be able to fully master Harmony. I know this because I like some conflict in my life. Not the type I mentioned in my last blog, but playing devil’s advocate or looking at all the scenarios. Input, Intellection, and Ideation do not describe me at all, and never will. These strengths aren’t important enough to me for me to even care about. Now the interesting one is adaptability… so no matter how much medication I take or how much I repress the organized schizo that I am, I will never truly master the “go with the flow” mentality.

So my coworkers and bosses have pleaded with me to “go with the flow,” accept that something is just the way we do it or have done it (if it’s not broke don’t fix it mentality), or have even requested that I be harmonious. Well that’s not who I am, nor is it my strength and will never lead me to be a RockStar!

In our modern world, it is best to focus on our top strengths and God given gifts. If you are already good at it, then it will be easy to master it and become great. If you use your talents wisely, its most likely to be something you love to do anyways and it will be fun to refine it.

I keep going back to my top 5 strengths. I think they are powerful, but I was surprised that communication was on my 34 strengths list at #10.  I thought about this long and hard because I always thought communication was at the top of my list. If the midpoint of the list is 17 and communication is 10, then it is not a mediocre skill, but one I could choose to work on to improve so that it moves up the list. But the true question is for me alone to answer. To be the RockStar I was designed to be, do I need communication as one of my top 5 strengths? If I focus on developing the top 5 on my list, some of the others may also improve.

Now here are some interesting ones that I want to share.

  1. Developer- People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.
  2. Includer- People who are especially talented in the Includer theme are accepting of others. They show awareness of those who feel left out, and make an effort to include them.
  3. Deliberative- People who are especially talented in the Deliberative theme are best described by the serious care they take in making decisions or choices. They anticipate the obstacles.
  4. Significance- People who are especially talented in the Significance theme want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.
  5. Learner- People who are especially talented in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them.

These are mediocre skills to me, but also not ones I really feel a desire to focus on. They won’t help me much in my personal life or my career. This was just more proof to me that I need to go back to looking at my strengths and mastering them.

Some of the most successful people have glaring weaknesses, think of Bill Clinton. However he has a couple of strengths that are world class. This is all I need to become the RockStar I know I am.

We all have flaws, but if we spend our time and energy to grow our strengths we can make ourselves great, and set ourselves up to become RockStars. Of course this requires passion, dedication and commitment and is not easy, but I promise will be worth it.

My next move is to put in place a plan to master my top 5 strengths, who is going to embark on this journey with me?

 

Hello world!

If you are a friend or want to be a friend, please read this… I am not seeking sympathy or anything from you, I just want to know if anyone can identify with anything I am saying… and if you can you should join forces with me to do more in this life…

I want to share a little of my story, and if you are interested in hearing more- I encourage you to contact me. This is part of me getting down to the core of who I am and being vulnerable in doing so. I am tired of hiding and shying away from life based on the tragic circumstances that I have faced my life.

Well I guess the best way to start is to explain a few things… I can identify with a lot of people in the world. Many people I know do not truly know me. I am good at hiding things and putting on a happy face. Despite all obstacles, I am an optimist. I believe I can change my path. I know God has his hand in mine leading the way.

My challenges are vast and have dealt some pretty low blows in my life. I am on my 2nd marriage. I almost faced financial ruin from the 1st marriage. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, and when I am stressed or faced with dire circumstances, I gain. I have been a victim of domestic violence. I have been in unhealthy relationships and friendships. I never put myself first. I give to everyone else and have been sucked dry at times. I have always wanted to be a mother, but logistics were overwhelming based on always being the bread winner. My ambition and drive are seen as a negative by many. The losses of key and influential members of my life (family and friends from the time I was 2 years of age) have stopped me in my tracks at times and derailed my abilities to move forward at the pace I am accustomed too. I have experienced depression, self-loathe, extreme judgement and criticism for my choices and my path.

I never truly let people in because at a very young age I experienced the pain that a best friend can cause from knowing all your secrets, and the hurt was more than I was ever willing to bear again. I have seen hypocrisy and evil in the “safest” of places- religion and churches- that I belonged to and people I believed in. I was challenged in my career choice, and even though other things came easier to me, I stayed the course. I have never been truly respected in my career field. I made a career decision, to leave my roots and move to a new area and start again. I was almost as friendless as when I divorced, choosing to start over in life for new opportunities. I left a beautiful home in a comfortable life for a new challenge that proved to be a series of obstacles. I only saw my husband on weekends for several months during the transition, basically living out of my car while staying with a dear friend.

I supported a husband when he transitioned out of the military, again when he lost his job, and now while he is recovering from cancer. I faced an accelerated learning curve in a new career path which challenged me in ways I never knew a job/position could. I experienced the loss of all of my grandparents (my true foundations in life) prior to the birth of my only child. I gave birth the same day my mother underwent a lumpectomy for her breast cancer. I worked while my mother went through chemo so I could support my family and was not able to be there for her. I faced horrific hormonal imbalance after giving birth to my beautiful little girl which lead to some major postpartum depression- not the hurt your child type, but the I can’t stop crying, don’t want to wash my hair and don’t want to see anyone type.

I had to leave my sweet little baby alone overnight when my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer that sent us straight to the hospital to undergo treatment for 7-10 days at a time for 4 rounds. I had to leave my baby and my husband for days at a time because I had to work full time to support my family and pay our bills. I was forced to decide who to leave alone at night since I could not be with my husband and my baby at the same time. I was forced to take FMLA and not get paid when my emotions got the best of me and I could no longer keep from breaking down at the office, or when my husband took a turn for the worst, or my baby was sick, or no one was available to be with them to care for them during my work hours.

I had to ask people for money to help up pay my husband’s medical bills. I was vulnerable. I told people about my experience. I felt like a homeless person begging for change. My little baby faced sickness after sickness, which I could not heal… My husband almost died and I witnessed it all and was the only reason he lived. The 12 days spent in the hospital almost caused me to lose myself entirely. Without my baby, I may have gone insane. I faced misunderstanding at my job from many people. I was judged, accused of taking advantage of the system and experienced hostility. The one thing that was my escape, my normal job responsibilities were almost taken away from me. My dream job, the one I wanted to retire in and left my roots and uprooted my whole existence for- was not meant to be for me and I am no longer in that role for many reasons including the ceiling limitation for growth in my profession as an engineer.

I am currently experiencing setbacks in maintaining my weight due to hormonal imbalance, stress, and thyroid issues. I am experiencing setbacks in my limitations to provide for my family while my husband recovers and tries to complete his bachelor’s degree so he can better himself to help me. All of this leads me to where I am today…

  • I learned coping skills and more about who I am and what I want from life during the 6 months of individual counseling and 6 months of marital counseling that I endured at the end of my 8-year marriage with my first husband
  • I dug myself out of some serious debt and almost financial ruin from my 1st marriage. I want to live a debt free life. I will dig myself out again.
  • I lost over 100 lbs in 2005 and gained control of my weight and I know I can do it again. I will get back in shape and be healthier so I can care for my family when they need me.
  • I learned to control my temper and to remove myself from situations that are unhealthy. I will not allow people who know my buttons to push them. I will protect myself around them.
  • I am a domestic abuse survivor and I underwent counseling to understand the warning signs and how to improve my coping skills as well as understand that I can only control myself and not others and when to flee. I never want to experience the pain of being hit or choked from someone I love and trust.
  • I learned that medicine is not the long term answer to all problems, but when you are down and out and can no longer cope- medicine can help you see through the fog and overcome depression, postpartum depression, anxiety, etc until you can see the light again. I will be in control of my feelings without the help of medication.
  • I learned that I am not in control of others actions and perceptions, and I cannot prevent things from happening to others. I will continue to pray for everyone I know and anyone who asks me.
  • I am a people pleaser, and I have to constantly remind myself that I need to be true to myself. I don’t want to be controlled by others, a job, the rat race… I struggle to put myself first and take care of myself and will continue to work on this daily.
  • I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know this means that I will continuously be and feel hurt. I have to remember that the hurt is not always intentional, and that to be true to myself I have to accept to feel some hurt at times. I cannot tuck my heart away and protect it being numb to the world to be me. That is not who I am and I need to be true to myself.
  •  Just because the organized religion I have belonged to was full of hypocrisy, judgement and greed, does not mean I need to give up on it. I am a Christian and will always be one. I will find somewhere I belong.
  • I will always be judged but I have learned not to care what others think about me. My passion and zest for life will often be mistaken as coming on too strong or as pushy. I will not let this slow me down. I will live my life to the fullest and remember to smile and dance.
  • People will not always like me and that is there choice. I cannot go through life expecting to change their minds or expecting everyone will like me. My ambition and drive will always be seen by others as a flaw, but only because I make them feel like they should be doing and wanting more from life. I know I am not for everyone, and that is ok with me. I will continue to be me.
  • I love being a wife. I love being a mother and wish I had more children. I want the best for my family. I do not like being the bread winner, but I will do anything for my family.
  • I have let my fear of getting hurt limit me in the depth of my friendships. I will be the friend to others that I want them to be to me. I will have closer meaningful friendships.
  • In extremely dire situations where I have no effect on the outcome, I shut down. I have allowed stress, fear and anxiety to rule my eating habits. I will love myself and take better care of my body. I will be well rested, free from sickness and pain and not so stressed.
  • I settle for things when I shouldn’t and it goes against every ounce of the core of my body and mind. I will continue to learn my limitations, so I can stop myself and say no when I need to. It is ok to say no and decline invitations when I need to focus on myself or my family.
  • Sometimes I feel trapped in a circular pattern with no way out. My desire for a fun and joyful life competes with the need for things and stuff and worldly possessions. I will not be controlled by others, a job, the rat race… I will limit worldly possessions, live clutter free and organized.
  • I never want to be in a situation again where I have to choose between my husband and my child. I want to be able to afford whatever will allow us to all be in the same place at the same time under my constant care.
  • I never want to have to beg and plead or pour out my heart into words to get people to help me, making me feel like a homeless person asking for money.
  • I want to be understood and loved unconditionally. I want to be accepted and understood when I make mistakes, I am human and I will make many mistakes. I deserve to be allowed to learn from these mistakes and not be judged.
  • I have not found my calling and it is not too late for me. I will be successful in my career, and happy with the work that I do and do it well. I do not want to work for people who don’t know what it is to experience tragedy and cannot understand the importance of family and the need to support their employees during hardship. I will be the smart, an effective communicator, leader, influencer and leader of people. I will be taken seriously and impact people’s lives.

I am not a victim of my circumstances. I can do whatever I set my mind to and I can affect change in my life to get where I want to be. I will be working on all these things and making these changes and continuing to improve my life! Who is with me?

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